just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
