bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I think people are normalizing furries
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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