The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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