We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
