if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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