My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize
