Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
