I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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