im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
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