I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
