everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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