I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
