my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
