Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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