I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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