Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
