i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
