Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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