Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
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