i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
