haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
