The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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