Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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