Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
