and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
