I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Well I just put wine in my tea
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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