I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
