Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
