I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Randomize
