that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
