I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
