I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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