I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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