I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
