My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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