I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
