You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
