Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
should my penis look like a turkey
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
