i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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