I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
