I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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