the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
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