My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
