I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
