Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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