i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
