while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
