If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
