saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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