Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
